Cars sped past me as I waited for our turn to cross the highway so that we could go to our Tuesday night Bible study. Two cars waited in the median to turn onto the access road that we were leaving while another car that had not quite reached us was traveling south down the highway. This was light traffic compared to the cars that had been speeding past us moments earlier. Finally, it was about to be our turn. This had definitely been a test of patience. As I began musing about how this intersection undoubtably needed a stop light (and the inconveniences of a stop light during non-peak traffic hours), I saw a car quickly turn towards us. As the car crossed the highway, I watched in horror as it struck the car heading south. As the two cars connected, there was an incredibly loud pop and parts began flying all over the highway. I watched in shock as the southbound car was knocked toward us, but kept going past us. Meanwhile, the other car was spinning in circles heading our direction. It stopped about a yard away from us. I felt certain that someone had been injured in the car based on the way that it looked. I got out to check on the people while mom moved our vehicle away from the activity.

It was a miracle that no one was injured. It was a miracle that neither of the cars hit us. As I began reflecting over the incident, it occurred to me that if any factor had been even slightly different then the results could have been drastically different for us. If the car heading south hadn't been traveling at such a fast pace then they might have been knocked into us because they would've had less momentum pushing them forward. If the car hadn't been going as fast, then the car that hit them might have knocked both of them into us. Instead, the first car was like a wall that caused the black car to spin and slow down. If the car had traveled a few feet farther, it would have hit us. If we hadn't considered going around the intersection and moved our vehicle a tiny bit over, then we might have been hit. What if the debris (lots of it! Some of the parts pretty big) had gone up and come down through our windshield?

As I contemplated how close we had been to being in a wreck and potentially injured, I was amazed at God's protection for us and how that sometimes we take that protection for granted. I remembered that I don't have health insurance right now because I can't afford it while I'm trying to get out of debt. I thought of how one injury could have increased that debt immensely. How great is the Father's love for us that He provides and protects us. Thank you, Father, for taking care of me, my mom, and all of the people that evening and keeping us safe. Loved.

Update: The more I think about the wreck, I think back to a wreck that occurred a few months before I became a Christian. That time I hydroplaned as I was turning onto a road and ended up spinning across oncoming traffic and into a ditch facing the opposite direction. As I sat in the car, I knew that I could have been killed. I knew that I wasn't right with God, but that He had spared me for some purpose that I did not yet know. That memory always haunted me. 9 years later, I know that part of that purpose has been accomplished--I've become a Christian/I've endeavored to tell others of His love, but I also know that because I am still breathing/because I'm still here, I still have part of that purpose left to fulfill.

"I prayed that God would take me out on a limb with Him so that I would grow to love and depend on Him, but then I felt like the limb was too small."




Isn't this the way it always is? We pray for God to put us in that vulnerable position where we can see Him best, but when we are in between a rock and a hard place or on a limb that looks like it could break any second then we begin to grumble and complain about our situation. The little kids at church have been learning about The Exodus and all of the miracles that God performed for the Israelites in Egypt and then in the wilderness. Their childlike faith is beautiful. I love seeing their faces light up when we tell them about how God provides, loves, delivers, and is the God of miracles. It has challenged me though to think about how I respond to Him. Have I grown so accustomed to the stories of His deeds in the past that I fail to see their true magnitude and to pray/look expectantly for miracles of equal magnitude today?

I believe that God is leading me to "21 Days of Miracles" to transform my mind and heart. Each day I am going to read and meditate about a miracle that God did for His people. I'm going to combine prayer into this study so that I will not only see how He has worked in the past and have my faith strengthened, but also link it with my current needs and His future provision.

Relentless Love 

It's officially Valentine's Day in the USA!

I feel grateful.

God has been moving in my life in such a special way that I am overwhelmed. One night when I was going through a rough time I prayed that He would "hold my hand." The next morning I woke up to this verse, "I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness. "I am the Lord; that is My name! I will not yield My glory to another or My praise to carved idols. Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things I now declare; before they spring forth I tell you of them" (Isaiah 42:6-9). Wow. There are no coincidences with God. It's so beautiful to think that He perfectly timed that verse to enter my life at just the moment in time when it would be proof that He answers prayers and deeply desires to hold our hand. Feeling loved...

A conversation with God...

Sometimes loneliness or past hurt will well up inside me and I wonder why people act the way they do. Were they neglectful or intentionally hurtful?* Could different behavior have lessened the inevitable pain that brokenness brings? So God and I have a conversation that goes something like this: Me: "God, I'm tired of this brokenness. I don't understand how someone can be so close to you and then just disappear from your life without explaining why or checking on you. How is it that so many people in my life have done this to me?" God: "I will never leave you or forsake you. I'm with you forever. I promise." Me: "God, I'm tired of guys who won't fight for me or go out of their way to try to be with me. Why is our relationship only important when it doesn't cost anything, take extra effort, or isn't inconvenient?" God: "I died for you. I died so that we can be together forever. I died so that you can be free. I died so that you can have joy, peace, love, etc... Our relationship was never going to happen if I didn't make a huge sacrifice --so I did it. No one, no one could ever sacrifice more to be with you. I am the eternal God who resides in the Heavens, but I chose to come down to earth, take on a human body, live here amongst My creation without receiving My proper respect. I was mocked, humiliated, persecuted, tortured, and died one of the cruelest, most painful deaths imaginable. Why? Because I wanted to be with YOU. I wanted to remove that barrier to our relationship. I wanted to be with YOU forever. You are mine."Speechless.

I am in awe of a God who loves me so much. I feel treasured. I feel ashamed to think that the very thing that I was looking for in earthly human love was always there--being overlooked--in heavenly love. And yet He awes me again because I realize that not everyone has these intimate conversations with Him. It is what I needed and what He gave, His gift to me. His love manifested in the details.







*I should probably clarify that these musings weren't about one person in particular, but about the collective experiences in life that I've experienced. The first question can include friends or even family at times while the second question is obviously only about my dating experience. 

A few weeks ago as the new year began, I tried to decide if I would make a resolution. If I decided to make one, what would it be? I didn't want it to be the same as just a regular goal (workout, eat healthier, etc). If I was going to make a resolution, I wanted it to be defining and special. As I meditated on what to do, this verse kept coming to mind:

"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." James 4:17 

I couldn't get this verse out of my head. It was instant conviction every day. In the mornings when I wake up, in the afternoons when it is time to start a new task, in the evenings when my day is done, I continually ask myself, "Did I do what I knew to do?" It isn't just about refusing to give in to procrastination or never finding a "to do" list left undone. It is about who I am listening to as I go about my day. Am I in tune with my God as He directs me? Have I listened to Him or did I come up with the way I would live today on my own? Did I speak or keep silent as He led me? 

"If you love Me, you will do what I command." John 14:14 

"You have made known unto me the path of life; You fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand." Psalm 16:11

The most blessed place in life to be is standing directly where the will of God places you. By creating my own plan and focusing all of my attention on it, I can fail to hear God as He tells me the real path. At the end of the day, I want to be standing in the spot that God directed me to.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time." I Peter 5:6 

My New Year's Resolution: Be better at listening to the Holy Spirit so that I will know what to do and then doing it!

About a week ago, I was driving and listening to the radio when I heard "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North for the first time. A decade ago, I'm not sure that I would have been able to relate to this song, but with the maturity that life's lessons bring also can come an ache as we see evil face to face. This whole world is aching, groaning for the day of renewal as are we. 

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to this present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies." Romans 8:18-23

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." Rev. 21:3-5

So, while you are awaiting the glorious day when things are made new and we no longer feel that internal ache, check out this beautiful, soulful song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM

Worn by Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired 
I'm worn 
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need 
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn 
Yeah I'm worn

One of the biggest lies I ever hear people say to one another is "You don't need to change anything about you."Why are we so obsessed with being lied to and lying to one another? Can we not handle the truth? Are we not 'real' enough? Are we so insecure that we cannot feel love if someone doesn't think our faults--that we secretly or openly hate about ourselves--are "perfect?"

Several years ago, I watched the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You." There is a scene where the girls make up "reasons" (read: potential lies) about why the man is not trying to date her. Here's the 2 minute clip if you don't remember what I'm talking about  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1uqtnGENzo). I couldn't find a clip without the subtitles in a foreign language so you are welcome for that extra cultural experience. ;) The shocking thing is that somehow we grasp these "potential" lies as reality in order to save our bruised ego. In Girl Code, we see this over and over again. A "good" friend tells you that you are SO much prettier/smarter/classier/more attractive, etc than whatever other girl you feel that you have been placed in competition against. If a guy has done you wrong, your "good" friend tells you why he is a loser or why you are awesome, but.....

Sometimes we just don't decide to check in with reality. Maybe the truth is that we aren't perfect and neither are they, and that's okay. Maybe we don't have to be "better" than they are to have value. Maybe we shouldn't want it for validation. Maybe we forgot who we are in relation to God and to each other.

Once upon a time, there were two people--a man and a woman--and they lived in perfect harmony together in paradise. They lived in perfect harmony with God. They had no flaws to bother one another. They knew true Love both with God and each other. But then they messed everything up and we all have continued in their errant footsteps. It's a struggle to live in any kind of harmony on this earth. It's a struggle to feel complete. It's a struggle to feel loved. It's a struggle because deep down we long for that once known paradise. We long to be secure with God and to enjoy the fellowship of mankind.

Redefining yourself in Christ is the only way to gain true security, peace, joy, and love. But it also allows for forgiveness. In Christ, I can see the brokenness of other people rather than just what they've done to me. In Christ, I can see where and how I need to change. The truth is we always have something that needs to change. "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us" (I John 1:8). To resist change is to resist sanctification. To expect others to see us as perfect is to ask them to deny that we are in the process of sanctification. Satan is the one who wants us to not live sanctified lives. He is the one that wants us to refuse change. And he is the "father of lies" (John 8:44).

The ultimate realization is that love doesn't have to be associated with human perfection. Jesus loves us even though we are not perfect. He loves us enough to change us. He steadfastly loves us during the journey of transformation. If our love is to be like His, then we can love people who are not perfect. We can love them during their journey of transformation. We can love them enough to know that we do not change them and cannot, but that God can and will. We can love Him enough to trust Him with the people that we love because we know He is faithful to complete what He has begun in all of us. We can trust the Holy Spirit that He is strong and wise enough to convict all of us of our sin and that He alone chooses which area to work on first.

I'm not your Holy Spirit so I don't have to point out where you have to/need to change. Let us all speak the truth in love as directed by Him or be silent. But we can still be gracious and loving without pretending to believe a lie either.

If you are a Christian, God should be changing you. Christians should be loving you as you are, but you should NOT be staying the same. If you have truly interacted with His life-transforming power, there should be a visible change. No more "this is who I am," but "this is who He is creating me to be."

My First Love

The secret truth is....I'm a huge romantic. A few Sundays ago, the pastor was talking about the church returning to their first love. While I was listening to him preach, it made me think back about the first time I fell in love--May 25, 2004. Tears sprung to my eyes as I thought about right afterwards when I was on a road trip to the beach and that was all that I could think about. I felt so unbelievably blessed and I knew this is what it is like to be in love. My thoughts kept coming back to this amazing new experience over and over again. There was no escaping it. Sometimes I don't remember that day because so much has happened since then. We are approaching our 8 1/2 year anniversary, which makes me smile.

"To the angel of the church in Ephesus write: These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands: I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for My name and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love." Rev. 2:1-4

Sometimes as a single girl, it can get a bit weird when everyone is celebrating various anniversaries--first time they met, dated, kissed, got engaged, when they were married, had a kid, etc...while you are celebrating the anniversary of...nothing. I'm not sure that one can ever become a professional third wheel no matter how much experience you have at it. Yet in the awkward weirdness, there is beauty. In the midst of realizing what you don't have, you realize all over again what you do have. A love that will never end. An anniversary that will never be broken or be forced to start over with someone new. No one could love me better.

You understand me at my deepest depth. I'll never be frustrated because my motives were good, but my actions backfired because You know my motives better than I do. There is no room for fear in our love--I'll never wonder if You'll get tired of me or disappear or if my secrets are too much for You. You already know everything there is to know about me and You love me completely. You cannot love me anymore or any less than You do at this moment because Your love is perfect. This is too wonderful. You are perfect. You heal my heart from everything that the world has thrown at it over the years. I am only capable of loving You and others because You loved me first (I John 4:19). "Then I realized that I should be saying, "I love you, too" to God because He had already said, "I love you" to me first every time"(paraphrased from Beth Moore).  

As the tears welled up in my eyes, I realized that I'd fallen for You before anyone else ever came into my life. I smile and I'm grateful. It will always be "us" no matter what happens. I'm sorry for all of the times that I've let you down. I'm thankful that You're proud of me despite it all. I'm sorry that I neglected our love at times and was distracted. I'm thankful that You loved me enough to remove distractions and to make me fall deeper in love with You.