My First Love

The secret truth is....I'm a huge romantic. A few Sundays ago, the pastor was talking about the church returning to their first love. While I was listening to him preach, it made me think back about the first time I fell in love--May 25, 2004. Tears sprung to my eyes as I thought about right afterwards when I was on a road trip to the beach and that was all that I could think about. I felt so unbelievably blessed and I knew this is what it is like to be in love. My thoughts kept coming back to this amazing new experience over and over again. There was no escaping it. Sometimes I don't remember that day because so much has happened since then. We are approaching our 8 1/2 year anniversary, which makes me smile.

"To the angel of the church in Ephesus write: These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands: I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for My name and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love." Rev. 2:1-4

Sometimes as a single girl, it can get a bit weird when everyone is celebrating various anniversaries--first time they met, dated, kissed, got engaged, when they were married, had a kid, etc...while you are celebrating the anniversary of...nothing. I'm not sure that one can ever become a professional third wheel no matter how much experience you have at it. Yet in the awkward weirdness, there is beauty. In the midst of realizing what you don't have, you realize all over again what you do have. A love that will never end. An anniversary that will never be broken or be forced to start over with someone new. No one could love me better.

You understand me at my deepest depth. I'll never be frustrated because my motives were good, but my actions backfired because You know my motives better than I do. There is no room for fear in our love--I'll never wonder if You'll get tired of me or disappear or if my secrets are too much for You. You already know everything there is to know about me and You love me completely. You cannot love me anymore or any less than You do at this moment because Your love is perfect. This is too wonderful. You are perfect. You heal my heart from everything that the world has thrown at it over the years. I am only capable of loving You and others because You loved me first (I John 4:19). "Then I realized that I should be saying, "I love you, too" to God because He had already said, "I love you" to me first every time"(paraphrased from Beth Moore).  

As the tears welled up in my eyes, I realized that I'd fallen for You before anyone else ever came into my life. I smile and I'm grateful. It will always be "us" no matter what happens. I'm sorry for all of the times that I've let you down. I'm thankful that You're proud of me despite it all. I'm sorry that I neglected our love at times and was distracted. I'm thankful that You loved me enough to remove distractions and to make me fall deeper in love with You.

Surviving Love

I have been thinking a lot about Love this year. What is love? How is it displayed? What is not love? What misconceptions do I have about love? Am I correctly loving people? Should I only desire to have God-given (pure) love for people or is it okay to love them for human(potentially selfish) reasons?

I read an article today that has made me stop and think:

When we enter a relationship, we most often approach it from a dating standpoint. Which means we’ve put the romantic aspect on it from the start before we even really know anything about the other person. We put our best face forward, and don’t let the other person see who we really are until we figure they like us enough that they’ll be ok with our faults.

We are all taught to treat relationships as temporary. Like clothes you try on to see if they fit just right, and then toss on the floor of the dressing room when they don’t conform to our ideal. We have to understand that we cannot enter into a relationship with the intention of “changing him/her.” The only ones who can change a person are God and themselves. Anyone else who tries will be met with abject failure.

This is the opposite of what we are called to do in a relationship. Love and relationship are all about one thing: commitment to the person as you know them to be.

Love, as God created it, is meant to endure. In 1 Corinthians 13 Paul says that “Love never fails.” He’s right.

Love doesn’t fail – we do.

We insist on putting human limitations on the gifts of God and insist that we can’t maintain the standards He has set. The truth is that love endures our human limitations.

Love, as God created it, is not meant to meet my own needs. It would not survive any conflict if it was. Love and forgiveness go hand in hand so that we can each forgive the truths that we try so desperately to hide from each other.

Wow. One thing God has really been teaching me is--authenticity. I was not "fake" before--I was not open. I purposefully let very few people see the real me. Only those closest to me knew my true heart and true struggles. I've been learning that it only matters what God thinks of me--not what my friends, family, strangers, enemies think of me. I think this lets me be (learn to be) more honest with them. It also requires me to trust God more. I have to trust Him that they can handle the truth about me AND I have to trust Him that if they can't handle the truth, that He will still be with me, loving me--even if they fail me. I have to trust Him that by being the honest, real me that I will not lose out on the good gifts of this life (they are from Him anyway, right?).

I also have to learn to love people past their faults--not with the intent to change them, but with the love that God has for them--while knowing that He is the One who can and will change all of us in His time according to His purposes. Real love is faithful despite faults. There are no disposable people. He doesn't give up on me...why should I think it would ever be okay to give up on them?

And then...."Love, as God created it, is not meant to meet my own needs." Wow. That one kind of slaps you in the face with its boldness. It made me stop and think, "Is that true?" I started thinking about the epitome of Love--Jesus Christ--and yes, that is totally true. He doesn't love us to meet His own "needs." Because as Tozer says, "Need is a creature word."

I think I have always associated "love" with "self-sacrifice," but recently, I began to realize how I have, at times, mis-associated it. Love is not being a doormat. Love is not bleeding yourself dry for no reason. You do not sacrifice yourself for the sake of sacrificing yourself. You do not sacrifice yourself needlessly. Jesus died because there was a need. I am called to love and to sacrifice myself for others--when there is a need. It is a sacrifice with a purpose.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." I Cor. 13:1-3

And what is this thing that I am nothing without?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears....and now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I Cor. 13:4-10, 13

How can I love You more? How can I love you more?

New Mercies I Sing

After my last blog post, I kept meditating on the verses about waiting and their promises. If I wait, I will be strengthened and renewed. If I wait, I will see my enemies cut off. If I wait, I will be exalted. If I wait, I will receive my blessing. If I wait, I will be delivered. If I wait (and continue), I will reap my harvest. Each promise reminded me of Who God is and what He is doing. Each promise whispered to me hope. Each promise proclaimed my future. Each promise testified of the goodness of the Lord.

This meditation brought to mind a verse in Lamentations. After Jeremiah is weeping over the condition of Israel, he says:

"Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh every morning. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him! The LORD is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him. So it is good to wait quietly for the salvation from the LORD." Lamentations 3:21-26

When I read these verses, my soul calls back, "Amen." Every new sunrise brings the promise of God's new mercies with it. His Grace is sufficient for me. A sunflower turns its "face" to follow the sun across the sky and grows toward it. If I ordered my life the same way, how would the way I live change? Always looking toward and seeking my Father, the daily giver of new mercies.

Today, I listened to a wonderful message from a godly woman who told about her journey and the people who encouraged her, the people who discouraged, the importance of having faith to persevere when you know you've heard from God--no matter what anyone says or what the odds look like, the goodness of the Lord, His new mercies, His faithfulness, His good gifts, bowing our knee to His timing, and receiving our miracle. She also talked about how God grows our faith in the refining fire. It was so encouraging and challenging. Her message really left me with a lot to think about. I think I'll listen to it again to fully process all that it has for me.

"If we go through the hard times with Him, then we most assuredly will go through the good times with Him."--Lauren

"Living for eternity is freedom from fear."-Lauren

"If we are offended, we are not effective. If we are offended, we are not touching lives."-Lauren

If you would like to listen to Lauren's message on "Patience During the Wait" (which I highly recommend that you do so), you can listen to it here: http://www.stickam.com/viewMedia.do?mId=192957136.

His Mercies to me are new each day so should my mercies to other people be new every day (more to come on how God is changing me in this area in a following post).

Joy. Hope. Faith. Love.

Waiting

When life swirls around you and you can't keep up, when your heart is so full that there are no words to say.....

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Gap. 6:9

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isa. 40:31

"Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD." Psalm 27:14

"Wait for the LORD and keep His way. He will exalt you to inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it." Psalm 37:34

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him." (NIV) "Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." (NLT) Psalm 62:5

"I waited patiently for the LORD. He turned to me and heard my cry." Psalm 40:1b

Last night, I couldn't sleep and I felt strongly perturbed in my spirit about something. I struggled to know whether God placed this burden on me so that I would be broken about it and in constant prayer or whether I was placing a burden on myself rather than fully trusting God with it. I decided to listen to part of a sermon series on Breakthrough Prayer.

"The hardest part of the prayer of faith is waiting."--Jim Cymbala

This is so true! Abraham is such a wonderful example of someone who received a promise from God, but had to wait, and wait, and wait--as the odds stacked against him. It is hard to keep courage and hope in such situations. Job is another example of someone who lost everything and waited, and waited, and waited for God to move--to heal and to restore.

Why the wait? Because God is doing something. He is teaching us something. He is orchestrating events for the perfect moment of freedom, triumph, and blessing to happen. He is good-always good. And He is sovereign. He isn't our puppet. I can't thwart His plan, but I can bow before Him and worship even when my finite brain doesn't understand and my soul is weary--and I know that He will hear my cry, He will answer, He will come, He will give me good gifts, He will work it all out, and He is Holy. He never makes mistakes.

So, last night I prayed as fervently as I could, and then I told myself over and over, "God has it in His hand. That is exactly where it should be. He knows how to take care of it. He knows better than me. He is taking care of it. It is in His hand." As I repeated these words to myself, I began to find some more peace. My world is in His hands.

My soul waits on You, Lord...do not delay. My hope is in You.

He never forgets. :)

I love how this verse is paired with James 1:17, which says that all good gifts come from the Father, who does not change (paraphrased). What a beautiful promise.

His promises and faithfulness never let me lose Hope.

Love.

Rest and Peace in the Refining Fire

"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls." I Peter 1:6-9

"For You, O God, tested us. You refined us like silver. You brought us into prisons and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but You brought us to a place of abundance." Psalm 66:10-12.

"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold." Job 23:10

These are some of the key passages of the messages from the Breaking Free series by Beth Moore that I listened to last night. The lessons were about the "Refining Fire" and "Beauty From Ashes."

"God never allows or appoints a fire unless He can bring beauty from the ashes."-Beth Moore

This really resonated with me as I noticed the words "allows" and "appoints." The Scriptures above clearly show that God does believe that there are times when we need refining fires in our lives to change us. But He does all of this with Purpose. In the fire, I can sometimes see some of the purposes, but not all. At other times, I can only feel the heat. The Refiner holds the object in the hottest flame and watches it closely so that it is not destroyed. He uses the fire to melt off the impurities and dross. He uses the fire to change the object. The result? He knows the object is done when He can see His reflection in it. Every refining fire in our life--both those allowed and those appointed--work to accomplish this goal. They bring us closer to Him and make us reflect His image.

Beth pointed out the words "if necessary" in the verse. God does not appoint suffering for suffering's sake, but for our good--and only when it is necessary. He does not intend to leave us in ashes with fire scars, but rather to blow away the ashes and reveal a thing of beauty. He is making us beautiful.

This message really comforted me. I sensed a long time ago that God was sending me back to the refining fires, but lately, it has been hard not to grow weary of it. But I wouldn't want to trade my time in the refining fires for ease and comfort and come out not with a fuzzy reflection of His face.

It is in this fire when we know that we will not make it unless we "eat, sleep, and drink Jesus all the time."--Beth Moore

My Good Daddy knows what is best. He gives me a desire to persevere through the fire--and to come forth as gold.

Unity in Truth

When I began the Beth Moore study on James, we focused on who the man, James, was. This took us to every time he was mentioned in the New Testament. Interestingly enough, James was mentioned in Acts 15 as a key leader of the believers in Jerusalem. Based on the text, we can see that James still followed his Jewish traditions and customs (He was a Christian Jew, but still fully Jewish). A debate had arisen between the Jewish converts (former Pharisees--isn't it cool to see how God saved some of them after their initial persecution of Jesus?) and the Greek converts as to whether the new converts had to follow the Jewish law. To settle this division and bring unity among the believers, they met together, prayed, and sought out the Holy Spirit. Through the Spirit, they came to all be in unity. This passage showed me a lot of different things. 1. Our spiritual background or lack thereof affects how we view/interpret the Bible. (The Pharisees had to overcome their background mindset of "work your way to Heaven"). 2. The Holy Spirit can and does bring unity to us when we seek Him with humbled hearts. No one in the passage asserted their right to be right. Instead, they asked Him. It's not about "us," but about following Him. 3. If someone is truly worshipping God and is not worshipping anything false (i.e. the Jews were still allowed to sacrifice/pray in the Temple if they wanted to--they were not *required* to do so), then that is between them and God. He will lead them in it or away from it as He guides their life. We can still have unity in the Truth with someone even if we don't agree 100%.

I've thought about the "Unity in Truth" lesson a lot over the last month. Well, this week at my Tuesday night Bible study, our leader did a recap of Ephesians and talked about the importance of unity among the believers. He said that when we have a disagreement that we need to put aside our biases/opinions and search out the Word together. Saying "This pastor said...." is never a justification for what we believe. If we cannot prove it in Scripture on our own, then what does it say about our belief? God can give us the humility and love to have unity with our brothers and sisters as we seek Him. It would be sad if God asked us why we followed what some man said rather than what He said. I'm truly challenged to make sure that I am constantly seeking Him and changing my life/behavior as His Spirit and Word shows me that I need to rather than accepting complacency in traditions/what someone once said. I'm praying this for the believers as a whole. Draw us close, Jesus.

"To stay away from Christianity because part of the Bible’s teaching is offensive to you assumes that if there is a God he wouldn’t have any views that upset you. Does that belief make sense? If you don’t trust the Bible enough to let it challenge and correct your thinking, how could you ever have a personal relationship with God? In any truly personal relationship, the other person has to be able to contradict you."--Tim Keller

Sometimes I think God "hugs" us indirectly and tells us that He has it all under control. I previously blogged about how this verse kept popping up in my life via my friends. Well, this week has been no exception with it appearing 3 days in a row bringing the total up to at least 6 times God has brought this to my attention in the last few weeks. The timing is always perfect. Whenever I'm tempted to get discouraged, this verse pops up reminding me that the battle is not mine, but the Lord's--and He always wins.

I Believe You Will Come Like The Rain!

Today, I'm thankful that God loves me enough not to let go. I'm thankful that He is always near. I'm thankful that He not only knows what is best for me, but that He lovingly orchestrates that to be my reality. Sometimes the trials of life--the dark valleys and the desert places--are what is best for us because some lessons can only be learned and embraced there. Lately, I have been praying for miracles. I pray for them at night before I go to bed and I wake up praying for them again. I know that God can perform them--I love studying about His miracles in the Bible to encourage me. But I also know that miracles happen in God's timing--not mine. I know that God is capable of all things. What He has really been showing me is the "wait" behind the miracle.

I want to see God move--now! About a month ago during my study of the Word, God told me to pray for something specific to happen. I thought it was a good thing to pray for and knew that He could bring it about, but circumstances changed right at that same time that made this thing look impossible. I had no control over the situation at all so there was no way that *I* could bring it about. I struggled with the why behind the circumstances for a few days, and then I remembered the prayer. It wasn't just a prayer I made up or a request that was 'normal.' It was a God-given prayer and so I prayed it again. In the following days, usually when I felt least like praying about this topic, God would remind me of His command to pray. So, I continue praying--and waiting, waiting to see God move in a way only He can in a situation that in human terms would never happen. I have come to view this command as a gift because it gives me hope. I can never lose hope that God is moving and will continue to move in a matter that He told me to pray about!

I recently re-watched Jim Cymbala's sermon "My House Shall Be Called a House of Prayer." It is one of my favorites. It is so encouraging! He talks about how the church was founded in prayer. He talks about God working in our lives to turn us into prayer warriors. I think that is a blessing of any trial--and especially the trials where I am so acutely conscious of how "not in control" I am--I am forced to rely solely on God and to take my petitions to Him regularly. As we commune, we grow closer. He strengthens me. I'm so glad that me facing my obstacles on my own isn't even an option. I know when He does move that all the Glory will go to Him because I can do nothing in this, but request it of Him.

Our Ladies' Bible Study Saturday was about fervent prayer and Elijah's prayers specifically. The lesson focused on Elijah telling Ahab that abundant rain was coming when there wasn't a cloud in the sky. He then prayed to God and sent his servant to look. No rain. He sent his servant to look and received the "no rain" report 7 times before finally the servant reported "a cloud the size of a man's fist coming out from the sea"...then the sky grew dark and the wind picked up, and a heavy rain came. (I Kings 18:41-45). Elijah received his miracle. God encouraged me so much to keep praying and to not give up and to believe Him that He will keep His word and perform what He has promised. Early this morning, I discovered the song, "My Soul Longs For You" by Jesus Culture. It talks about God pouring out His spirit on us like rain. Here's the link for the song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RZ8PqwIk5I.

I believe You will come like the rain.

I believe You will come like the rain.

I believe You will come like the rain.

I see the cloud. It's coming. It's coming!

I believe, Jesus, You are mighty to save.

I believe You will pour out Your Spirit upon us.

I believe You are pouring out. It's going to rain.

I believe You are coming like the rain! So let it rain!

Let it rain!

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." What a word from the Lord! I discovered this verse (Exodus 14:14) several months ago when I was going through a trial in my life, but after things had settled down a bit, I forgot the verse. Recently, when another life trial--or a group of trials to be more specific--were disturbing my world, I came across this verse again. The next day, a friend put it up on facebook, which really encouraged me. AND the next day, another friend put up both verses 13 and 14: "But Moses said to the people, "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the LORD which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Wow. It made me smile and tear up a little bit to see how God kept orchestrating for that verse to pop up in my life when I least expected it, but needed it most. I decided to make that a theme verse this season of life as I learn to rest in Him and let Him fight my battles for me. Being "still" requires me to trust Him completely that He knows how the battle should be fought--what moves to make and when--and to trust Him for victory. It's an affirmation of His sovereignty in my life; a recognition that He knows what He is doing and that it is good no matter what it may look like to me. I decided to read the rest of the chapter. Chapter 14 starts with the Lord telling Moses where to have the people camp--by the sea. Then the Lord tells Moses that Pharaoh's heart will be hardened by Him (v.4) and that Pharaoh will decide to pursue the Israelites to take them back into captivity. The Lord reveals that He is going to have "honor through Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD" (v. 4). The Chapter continues by describing how Pharaoh's heart was hardened by God resulting in his decision to pursue the Israelites and bring them back. Verse 10 shows the Israelites discovering that they are being pursued and tells of the fear that struck their hearts. They immediately complained to Moses that he should not have brought them out of Egypt to die in the wilderness (v.11-12). How often is complaining about our circumstances our first response rather than turning to the One who is the Maker and Changer of circumstances? What struck me about this passage is that it is a complete setup by God. He told them where to go, where to set up camp, He hardened Pharaoh's heart and had him pursue them....God did all of it--and the Israelites were frightened! Hmmm...I began to wonder how I would've reacted. Let's be honest...I probably would have been terrified that one of the world's biggest armies was quickly approaching me with their horses and chariots...and I would probably wonder how I could escape...only to realize there was no where to go because I'm blocked in by the sea. Then, I would wonder why, why, am I here?! Why did I listen to that Moses? To that God? (Would I go so far as to question Him?). But...God did it all on purpose--and He knew I would be terrified, but more importantly He already knew how He was going to deliver me from enemies that I cannot deliver myself from. God then had the Israelites "move forward" and continue toward the sea, which He opened for them. He used the angel of God to go behind them (instead of in front of them as the pillar of cloud) to keep them apart all night long. Isn't this great how God not only goes before us, but also protects us from our enemies behind us? When they had reached safety, He closed the sea up on all of their enemies and "the Egyptians they saw that day, they never saw again forever." "Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted throughout all of the world." Psalm 46:10 I'm thankful to know that God is always in control even when I see darkness. I am thankful that He loves and protects me. While I may not be facing the horses and chariots of the Egyptians, I know my God fights both my earthly battles and the ones that are in spiritual realms that I cannot see. I am thankful that He always wins and always will win. Help me to learn to be still while I wait for You to bring about Your Victory in Your time. I love You.

So, 2012, A New "Me" Part Two

Things God Has Been Showing Me That Need to Change or New Goals

-I want to learn to cling so tightly to Jesus that He is my everything. I want to be unable to imagine a moment without Him. Since I'm a very relational person, it is difficult for me to not set my life around people. If a relationship is going well, I love to think about it in my spare time. If the relationship faces an obstacle, I devote even more spare time trying to come up with a solution. I realized that my anchor has to God--not just in the spiritual sense, but in the emotional sense as well. My peace, happiness, and joy should be dependent on my trust in Him rather than other people. He will give me the "good gift" when the time is right. I simply have to wait and trust in Him because I am already complete. I already have my #1, God. When God does add the "good gift" of a relationship, I want Him to be so secured in His position as #1 in my heart, that the "good gift" doesn't compete for that spot, but rather is appreciated for the blessing/gift that he is meant to be.

-I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit that it is obvious in my life. I want to give Him complete control of every decision and aspect of my life. I know that my life will be truly blessed when I have learned to surrender it completely to Him rather than try to enact my "plan."

-I want to keep a "Thankfulness Journal" every day to help me see the amazing things God is doing in my life and help me to focus on them rather than on myself.

-I plan to try to decrease/eliminate complaining about my looks. If I have a bad hair day, so be it. That is not something to obsess over. If I don't have makeup on and look a little rough, it's okay--my looks don't define who I am. I still fully intend to look good. ;) But I don't want it to be the way I seek to define myself or something I fret over.

-I want to not judge other people based on the way they look. So, I also plan on endeavoring to not discuss anything bad about someone's looks. I want to see their true person instead.

-I'm contemplating giving up tv and nonChristian music for a month or so. I'm very serious about the music, but the tv may just be decreasing hours rather than eliminating it entirely. For example, I may still watch my favorite show(s), but not spend my "spare" moments idly flipping channels.

-I also plan to curtail the time I spend on facebook. I don't think facebook is bad, but I know that too much time on it means I'm wasting time. Plus it can be a temptation to compare my life with the lives of others, which is something I want to quit.

I'm sure God will show me more things/areas that need to change, but this is what he has revealed in the "breakthrough."

So 2012, A New "Me"

During my Breakthrough Moment, I saw so many areas of my life that needed to change. I was so broken before my Father. I still am. The pain of staying the same far exceeded the pain of change. I know the change will be painful (part of me hates pain and the idea of pain--especially emotional pain), but I know it will be worth it and I look forward to walking through trials with God as my strength. I sensed a little bit before my breakthrough that it was time to head back to the refining fires, but I felt hesitant. It seemed like I had just gotten out of the fire, and I felt like I needed a break. But the pain was too much...so I asked Him to change me.

I don't want to stay the same at all. I realized that I had gotten comfortable with "me." I dismissed my "minor" flaws as my personality or my preferences or as "not that bad." I convinced myself that having a problem with something on occasion meant that you didn't have a problem. I wasn't seeking to be Holy like He is Holy. I was seeking to stay the way I was.

Because of my sanguine personality, I love people! I love being around my favorite people. They can easily be the highlight of my day. My interaction with them makes me super happy. I miss them when they are not around. Even the tiniest bit of communication--like a text--can be a source of happiness for me. But what about when they are unavailable? It seems like God makes me walk through some of my valleys alone, but He does this with purpose. People often ask and/or tease me about being single. I'm not a fan. In fact, I never talk about being single except with my closest friends--and sometimes even then in a more joking manner or a far off one day I'd like to not be idea, but it's not really my favorite topic. I feel like people put a lot of expectations on me. In one corner, you have the people who have decided that I'm career minded and have "given up on me" finding someone and on the other extreme, you have the people that keep insisting I find one. I really think the latter group would be okay if I had anybody. I have spent some time contemplating the issue, an issue I feel like I don't have a lot of control over, and have received some interesting insights from God.

If I'm lonely, a guy isn't going to take that away. In fact, if I expect him to, it will probably only hurt our relationship. I can be surrounded by my family, which I love, and have friends a phone call away or within a short driving distance, and still be lonely! God showed me that He will fill this with Himself. I don't know if He is keeping me single to teach me this or if I will only learn part of this lesson before I end up with someone. But I do know He is teaching me to "fill up" on Him. And I'm thankful. I don't have to be lonely anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I have a lot of love to give...and I wonder why I don't have a guy that I'm in a relationship with to show love to. But then it hit me. If you have so much love, why haven't you given it to the people around you already? What about your family? What about your friends? What about the people in your community? It's not like if I give the love away, it won't multiply. I can spend all the love I have and somehow find out I have more when it is right. My actions prove what is true. I don't have to "wait" to show love. I've been waiting in the wrong area when I should have been acting, and acting in other areas when I should have been waiting.

I really deeply wanted someone to love me for me. To love me past all my flaws. I recently saw a picture of one of friend's grandfathers. I remember hearing him tell the story of meeting his wife. He told me that when he saw her and her brown eyes (I think this made me especially partial to this story) and got to know her that he knew he wanted to marry her. He knew he didn't have much time to win her over because--she was engaged to another man! I loved how he had made up his mind about her in her favor. How he thought she was worth the risk. How he valued her--and her brown eyes. ;) Reminiscing on this story, I really wanted to be pursued. Then, I remembered that I was. What greater pursuit is there than what my Savior has done for me? He left His perfect home in Heaven, came to an earth full of suffering, lived as a human--which isn't always that fun (I especially doubt it was back then), and then to top it all off, He died by torture--all because He loved me. No earthly man could ever do more for me. And I shouldn't even want one to try. Jesus, I want to cling to You and love You most. I want to love You so deeply that no man could ever compete, and...

I still want to be pursued one day by a man. There is a Bible verse about how "a wife is a good gift from the Lord." I definitely hope a guy thinks that about me one day. But the part I want to focus on now is the "good gift." I'm supposed to be a gift to someone. And God is supposed to be the Giver. So, why should I worry about the "who" or the "when." He already knows--He's the Giver. I realized my Heavenly Daddy gets to give me away (the idea of someone "giving" me away rather than me choosing used to bother me in the wedding ceremony because I viewed myself as belonging to myself rather than my parents). Waiting for God to give you to someone can be a confusing process. But I know He knows best. He knows who I belong with, who I can be a blessing to, who will love me correctly. I want to be blissfully happy, and my Heavenly Father is just the One to give me to the man that can make that come true.

Freedom!

As 2011 was drawing to a close, I began reflecting over the year. It was a year filled with such highs and lows: triumphs and failures, epiphanies and disappointments, joy and pain, trials and suffering, all drawing me closer to God. This Christmas was especially meaningful to me. All day, I kept thinking about how Christ came to earth to be born for the purpose of dying and saving me! He died to give me freedom. I am free! I am free! I couldn't get it out of my head. I'm so thankful! I decided that freedom would be my theme word for 2012. I want to be free from fear, free from entanglements with sin, and free to follow where the Holy Spirit leads.

I guess Winter is a very reflective time of the year so I've spent the last week thinking about where I was a year ago and what I was doing. I then traced my Jan. 2011 to Jan. 2012. I realized that I have changed immensely in the last year. God was doing some major work...and it was much needed.

What I Learned....

-I realized that God wanted to heal me from fear. Fear was controlling me, and it was wrong. God not only saves me, but heals me--and this includes spiritual/emotional healing. While this is still a struggle because it was very ingrained in some areas of my life, we have made a lot of progress together. I know this will continue to be an area that God works on me until I am brave like my name. :)

-I learned many of the names of God. I learned how He is my Provider, my Father, my Healer (in many ways), The Mighty One, The Peace Giver, The God Who Sees, and many more. This transformed the way I viewed Him and the way I viewed myself. How had I been worshipping One for so long while not knowing SO much about Him? I'm excited that He wants to be known.

-I began to learn Grace. I don't have to earn His love before or after the fact. He wants to extend Grace to me. It is His nature. I am to likewise extend Grace to others. This doesn't eliminate consequences for actions, but it does provide forgiveness.

-I learned that I am Holy and that other Christians are Holy, too. I think I "knew" this, but it was difficult for it to sink in for me because I easily see my flaws and the flaws of others. This may be because I have a personality that sees black/white where other people see gray. Because I am also a Mercy person, I don't always think badly of people when I can empathize with their mistakes, but I definitely didn't view them as Holy. Knowing that we are positionally Holy in Him and that I should be treating and viewing fellow Christians this way was very liberating and convicting.

-I learned how to pray in a new way. That praying continuously isn't a physical impossibility. That constant communion with God can be one of the happiest, best parts of the day. I saw God answer so many prayers. He worked miracles that brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. I still have unanswered prayers that I take before Him daily when I boldly approach my Father's throne and tell Him my petitions. Praying to my Heavenly Daddy is so amazing. It's a miracle in itself. Thank You, Jesus, for that access.

-I (re)learned that He only gives good gifts in His perfect timing--not mine. If He says, "No" or "Not yet," then it is for my good. I can trust Him.

-I learned more about Who the Holy Spirit is and the role He is supposed to play in my life. I learned more about my wonderful, Savior. There are still many more mysteries I want to discover, but 2012 still has a lot of months let so we will see where He takes me. :)

New Year, New Blessings

Over the weekend, I had a breakthrough. I almost called it a break down, but in reality, it only broke down things that were in my way so I think a breakthrough is more fitting. That wall is gone. It's a bit strange to me because I almost feel like I don't entirely know what happened. But I know my heart changed in a big way.

Every time the Holy Spirit does a new work in our hearts and changes us seems to me a miracle because it is something I could never have accomplished on my own. He is so good to me! While I call Him good, I do not call the circumstances or the change "easy." In fact, it hurt. In the aftermath, I feel a bit sad because not everything is as I wished so it is a letting go process, but I mostly feel remorseful and repentant. Why? Well...

Confessions and Secrets

I realized this weekend that I had some hidden anger in my life. It wasn't visible on the surface. In fact, I don't think I was even "in touch" with it. But I harbored some resentment towards people who had mistreated people that I care about deeply. These people had changed/messed up my world in my opinion...yet they did not care. There was no justice. They did not make things right. The rest of us were left to sort through the wreckage to the best of our ability. I was also frustrated about where I am in life. The frustration was not a new revelation to me, but I think I received new insight into it. I knew I wanted to be getting to know someone that might lead to a future relationship/marriage, that one day I wanted a family, that I wanted to be able to travel all around the world (and have the money to do so), that I wanted a job that I enjoyed because it made a difference and was fulfilling, that I wanted to feel like I was making it to that "next step" in life or that I am successful, that I wanted to have enough stability to make plans where I could guarantee where I would be in a few months or guarantee that I could afford an activity/event, that I wanted to be ministering to and helping people in need, that I wanted to get back in shape, that I wanted adventure, that I didn't want to feel so lonely, and that--even a small thing--I wanted a puppy. :)

Sometimes I felt like God was holding out on me because I didn't have these things or see myself heading in a direction where they would be reality in the near future (I didn't necessarily want them all now). I mostly just didn't understand why. Why did other people have these things who made no effort? Why did people have these things who took them for granted? Why did I keep having to explain to people why I didn't have them when I didn't even know why! Confused and Disappointed.

It's always easier to see the big picture when you step back a little. I can't see the big picture like God can so why do I ever complain or live in discontent when I don't understand the significance of a particular stage. So God showed me that I have been holding out on Him. I have been saying, "No!" when asked to be open to wherever He leads. I've subconsciously told Him that He wasn't doing His role correctly and that I was not happy with Him. This pains me to write. How could I have been so ungrateful? How could I have ever thought that I knew best? How could I have been so blind that I didn't see the disconnect was my fault?

So, I realized this year was going to be full of new "lessons," but then I realized that every new lesson is really a "blessing" because it brings me closer to Him. I've had a lot of tears of repentance this weekend and have been overwhelmed with His love for me and what He has done for me. Thanks for loving me enough to not let me stay the same. :)