So, 2012, A New "Me" Part Two

Things God Has Been Showing Me That Need to Change or New Goals

-I want to learn to cling so tightly to Jesus that He is my everything. I want to be unable to imagine a moment without Him. Since I'm a very relational person, it is difficult for me to not set my life around people. If a relationship is going well, I love to think about it in my spare time. If the relationship faces an obstacle, I devote even more spare time trying to come up with a solution. I realized that my anchor has to God--not just in the spiritual sense, but in the emotional sense as well. My peace, happiness, and joy should be dependent on my trust in Him rather than other people. He will give me the "good gift" when the time is right. I simply have to wait and trust in Him because I am already complete. I already have my #1, God. When God does add the "good gift" of a relationship, I want Him to be so secured in His position as #1 in my heart, that the "good gift" doesn't compete for that spot, but rather is appreciated for the blessing/gift that he is meant to be.

-I want to be so filled with the Holy Spirit that it is obvious in my life. I want to give Him complete control of every decision and aspect of my life. I know that my life will be truly blessed when I have learned to surrender it completely to Him rather than try to enact my "plan."

-I want to keep a "Thankfulness Journal" every day to help me see the amazing things God is doing in my life and help me to focus on them rather than on myself.

-I plan to try to decrease/eliminate complaining about my looks. If I have a bad hair day, so be it. That is not something to obsess over. If I don't have makeup on and look a little rough, it's okay--my looks don't define who I am. I still fully intend to look good. ;) But I don't want it to be the way I seek to define myself or something I fret over.

-I want to not judge other people based on the way they look. So, I also plan on endeavoring to not discuss anything bad about someone's looks. I want to see their true person instead.

-I'm contemplating giving up tv and nonChristian music for a month or so. I'm very serious about the music, but the tv may just be decreasing hours rather than eliminating it entirely. For example, I may still watch my favorite show(s), but not spend my "spare" moments idly flipping channels.

-I also plan to curtail the time I spend on facebook. I don't think facebook is bad, but I know that too much time on it means I'm wasting time. Plus it can be a temptation to compare my life with the lives of others, which is something I want to quit.

I'm sure God will show me more things/areas that need to change, but this is what he has revealed in the "breakthrough."

So 2012, A New "Me"

During my Breakthrough Moment, I saw so many areas of my life that needed to change. I was so broken before my Father. I still am. The pain of staying the same far exceeded the pain of change. I know the change will be painful (part of me hates pain and the idea of pain--especially emotional pain), but I know it will be worth it and I look forward to walking through trials with God as my strength. I sensed a little bit before my breakthrough that it was time to head back to the refining fires, but I felt hesitant. It seemed like I had just gotten out of the fire, and I felt like I needed a break. But the pain was too much...so I asked Him to change me.

I don't want to stay the same at all. I realized that I had gotten comfortable with "me." I dismissed my "minor" flaws as my personality or my preferences or as "not that bad." I convinced myself that having a problem with something on occasion meant that you didn't have a problem. I wasn't seeking to be Holy like He is Holy. I was seeking to stay the way I was.

Because of my sanguine personality, I love people! I love being around my favorite people. They can easily be the highlight of my day. My interaction with them makes me super happy. I miss them when they are not around. Even the tiniest bit of communication--like a text--can be a source of happiness for me. But what about when they are unavailable? It seems like God makes me walk through some of my valleys alone, but He does this with purpose. People often ask and/or tease me about being single. I'm not a fan. In fact, I never talk about being single except with my closest friends--and sometimes even then in a more joking manner or a far off one day I'd like to not be idea, but it's not really my favorite topic. I feel like people put a lot of expectations on me. In one corner, you have the people who have decided that I'm career minded and have "given up on me" finding someone and on the other extreme, you have the people that keep insisting I find one. I really think the latter group would be okay if I had anybody. I have spent some time contemplating the issue, an issue I feel like I don't have a lot of control over, and have received some interesting insights from God.

If I'm lonely, a guy isn't going to take that away. In fact, if I expect him to, it will probably only hurt our relationship. I can be surrounded by my family, which I love, and have friends a phone call away or within a short driving distance, and still be lonely! God showed me that He will fill this with Himself. I don't know if He is keeping me single to teach me this or if I will only learn part of this lesson before I end up with someone. But I do know He is teaching me to "fill up" on Him. And I'm thankful. I don't have to be lonely anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I have a lot of love to give...and I wonder why I don't have a guy that I'm in a relationship with to show love to. But then it hit me. If you have so much love, why haven't you given it to the people around you already? What about your family? What about your friends? What about the people in your community? It's not like if I give the love away, it won't multiply. I can spend all the love I have and somehow find out I have more when it is right. My actions prove what is true. I don't have to "wait" to show love. I've been waiting in the wrong area when I should have been acting, and acting in other areas when I should have been waiting.

I really deeply wanted someone to love me for me. To love me past all my flaws. I recently saw a picture of one of friend's grandfathers. I remember hearing him tell the story of meeting his wife. He told me that when he saw her and her brown eyes (I think this made me especially partial to this story) and got to know her that he knew he wanted to marry her. He knew he didn't have much time to win her over because--she was engaged to another man! I loved how he had made up his mind about her in her favor. How he thought she was worth the risk. How he valued her--and her brown eyes. ;) Reminiscing on this story, I really wanted to be pursued. Then, I remembered that I was. What greater pursuit is there than what my Savior has done for me? He left His perfect home in Heaven, came to an earth full of suffering, lived as a human--which isn't always that fun (I especially doubt it was back then), and then to top it all off, He died by torture--all because He loved me. No earthly man could ever do more for me. And I shouldn't even want one to try. Jesus, I want to cling to You and love You most. I want to love You so deeply that no man could ever compete, and...

I still want to be pursued one day by a man. There is a Bible verse about how "a wife is a good gift from the Lord." I definitely hope a guy thinks that about me one day. But the part I want to focus on now is the "good gift." I'm supposed to be a gift to someone. And God is supposed to be the Giver. So, why should I worry about the "who" or the "when." He already knows--He's the Giver. I realized my Heavenly Daddy gets to give me away (the idea of someone "giving" me away rather than me choosing used to bother me in the wedding ceremony because I viewed myself as belonging to myself rather than my parents). Waiting for God to give you to someone can be a confusing process. But I know He knows best. He knows who I belong with, who I can be a blessing to, who will love me correctly. I want to be blissfully happy, and my Heavenly Father is just the One to give me to the man that can make that come true.

Freedom!

As 2011 was drawing to a close, I began reflecting over the year. It was a year filled with such highs and lows: triumphs and failures, epiphanies and disappointments, joy and pain, trials and suffering, all drawing me closer to God. This Christmas was especially meaningful to me. All day, I kept thinking about how Christ came to earth to be born for the purpose of dying and saving me! He died to give me freedom. I am free! I am free! I couldn't get it out of my head. I'm so thankful! I decided that freedom would be my theme word for 2012. I want to be free from fear, free from entanglements with sin, and free to follow where the Holy Spirit leads.

I guess Winter is a very reflective time of the year so I've spent the last week thinking about where I was a year ago and what I was doing. I then traced my Jan. 2011 to Jan. 2012. I realized that I have changed immensely in the last year. God was doing some major work...and it was much needed.

What I Learned....

-I realized that God wanted to heal me from fear. Fear was controlling me, and it was wrong. God not only saves me, but heals me--and this includes spiritual/emotional healing. While this is still a struggle because it was very ingrained in some areas of my life, we have made a lot of progress together. I know this will continue to be an area that God works on me until I am brave like my name. :)

-I learned many of the names of God. I learned how He is my Provider, my Father, my Healer (in many ways), The Mighty One, The Peace Giver, The God Who Sees, and many more. This transformed the way I viewed Him and the way I viewed myself. How had I been worshipping One for so long while not knowing SO much about Him? I'm excited that He wants to be known.

-I began to learn Grace. I don't have to earn His love before or after the fact. He wants to extend Grace to me. It is His nature. I am to likewise extend Grace to others. This doesn't eliminate consequences for actions, but it does provide forgiveness.

-I learned that I am Holy and that other Christians are Holy, too. I think I "knew" this, but it was difficult for it to sink in for me because I easily see my flaws and the flaws of others. This may be because I have a personality that sees black/white where other people see gray. Because I am also a Mercy person, I don't always think badly of people when I can empathize with their mistakes, but I definitely didn't view them as Holy. Knowing that we are positionally Holy in Him and that I should be treating and viewing fellow Christians this way was very liberating and convicting.

-I learned how to pray in a new way. That praying continuously isn't a physical impossibility. That constant communion with God can be one of the happiest, best parts of the day. I saw God answer so many prayers. He worked miracles that brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. I still have unanswered prayers that I take before Him daily when I boldly approach my Father's throne and tell Him my petitions. Praying to my Heavenly Daddy is so amazing. It's a miracle in itself. Thank You, Jesus, for that access.

-I (re)learned that He only gives good gifts in His perfect timing--not mine. If He says, "No" or "Not yet," then it is for my good. I can trust Him.

-I learned more about Who the Holy Spirit is and the role He is supposed to play in my life. I learned more about my wonderful, Savior. There are still many more mysteries I want to discover, but 2012 still has a lot of months let so we will see where He takes me. :)

New Year, New Blessings

Over the weekend, I had a breakthrough. I almost called it a break down, but in reality, it only broke down things that were in my way so I think a breakthrough is more fitting. That wall is gone. It's a bit strange to me because I almost feel like I don't entirely know what happened. But I know my heart changed in a big way.

Every time the Holy Spirit does a new work in our hearts and changes us seems to me a miracle because it is something I could never have accomplished on my own. He is so good to me! While I call Him good, I do not call the circumstances or the change "easy." In fact, it hurt. In the aftermath, I feel a bit sad because not everything is as I wished so it is a letting go process, but I mostly feel remorseful and repentant. Why? Well...

Confessions and Secrets

I realized this weekend that I had some hidden anger in my life. It wasn't visible on the surface. In fact, I don't think I was even "in touch" with it. But I harbored some resentment towards people who had mistreated people that I care about deeply. These people had changed/messed up my world in my opinion...yet they did not care. There was no justice. They did not make things right. The rest of us were left to sort through the wreckage to the best of our ability. I was also frustrated about where I am in life. The frustration was not a new revelation to me, but I think I received new insight into it. I knew I wanted to be getting to know someone that might lead to a future relationship/marriage, that one day I wanted a family, that I wanted to be able to travel all around the world (and have the money to do so), that I wanted a job that I enjoyed because it made a difference and was fulfilling, that I wanted to feel like I was making it to that "next step" in life or that I am successful, that I wanted to have enough stability to make plans where I could guarantee where I would be in a few months or guarantee that I could afford an activity/event, that I wanted to be ministering to and helping people in need, that I wanted to get back in shape, that I wanted adventure, that I didn't want to feel so lonely, and that--even a small thing--I wanted a puppy. :)

Sometimes I felt like God was holding out on me because I didn't have these things or see myself heading in a direction where they would be reality in the near future (I didn't necessarily want them all now). I mostly just didn't understand why. Why did other people have these things who made no effort? Why did people have these things who took them for granted? Why did I keep having to explain to people why I didn't have them when I didn't even know why! Confused and Disappointed.

It's always easier to see the big picture when you step back a little. I can't see the big picture like God can so why do I ever complain or live in discontent when I don't understand the significance of a particular stage. So God showed me that I have been holding out on Him. I have been saying, "No!" when asked to be open to wherever He leads. I've subconsciously told Him that He wasn't doing His role correctly and that I was not happy with Him. This pains me to write. How could I have been so ungrateful? How could I have ever thought that I knew best? How could I have been so blind that I didn't see the disconnect was my fault?

So, I realized this year was going to be full of new "lessons," but then I realized that every new lesson is really a "blessing" because it brings me closer to Him. I've had a lot of tears of repentance this weekend and have been overwhelmed with His love for me and what He has done for me. Thanks for loving me enough to not let me stay the same. :)