When Life is....

I fell asleep early last night on accident only to wake up hours later unable to sleep and feeling anxious/nervous. I had so many cares on my mind that I need to release yet it seemed as though I had to release them over and over and keep fighting the attacks of Satan as he tried to plant new thoughts of worry in my mind. God granted me sleep and peace eventually, but I overslept church. So, I decided to listen to a David Platt podcast...and it was amazing and exactly what I needed to hear! I love how God shows up like that! "The Fatherhood of God" by David Platt (you can listen here http://www.disciplemakingintl.org/media/series/view/514/the-fatherhood-of-god?filter=series).

"Have you ever prayed hard for something and not received it? Or prayed for something for years? And then God begins to answer in ways you haven't asked for. So you aren't receiving what you asked for and you are receiving what you didn't ask for--and then you begin to think, "I don't understand how prayer works." You start to think that prayer is like this big slot machine and that if you put enough coins in something good will come out, but you don't know what. Know this, when you pray, you are never ever ever praying to a reluctant God. He's your Father! When you ask for bread, He is not going to give you a stone! Know this, even when you don't understand, He is good and He always gives the best to His children 100% of the time. We are evil. He is good. We have limited wisdom. He has infinite wisdom. God knows what is best as our Father."--David Platt

"With the goodness of God to desire our highest welfare, the wisdom of God to plan it, and the power of God to achieve it, what do we lack?"--Tozer

"By the very nature of God, He can only give the most and best to His children because everything He does flows from perfect love." Then, David tells the story of George Mueller (a man who had had 50,000 specific prayer requests answered) whose wife was sick and dying. He said, "I always told her, 'My Darling, I never saw you at any time since you became my wife that I have delighted to see you." He then read Psalm 84:11 to her: "For the LORD God is a sun and shield: the LORD will give grace and glory: no good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly." George Mueller then concluded: "I have been purchased by Christ's blood. I no longer walk in sin. I walk uprightly; therefore, if it is really good for me, my darling wife will be raised up again as sick as she is. God will restore her again. But if she is not restored again, then it will not be a good thing for me. So my heart was at rest, I was satisfied with God. Taking God at His Word believing what He says." Even at the worst of times, God is good.

"God our Father loves us! Our hearts were made to find joy not in receiving honor from men, but in experiencing hiddenness with God. Your heart was made to enjoy deepest, intimacy with God your Father. It is in hiddenness where reward is found. Nothing is more important in your life than intimacy with God the Father who loves you! Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him! The purpose of prayer is not to inform God of your requests. The point of prayer is not to inform God, but to experience intimacy with God who knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows what is going on in your life right now, your family, your work..."

"Worry is a sure sign that you have forgotten that you are a child of God. Worry at any time, momentarily, you have forgotten that you are a child of God because a child of God never, ever has a reason to worry!"

God used this sermon to bring such peace and comfort to my heart. He strengthened me through it for the days ahead for I know that He is sovereign and He is good.

"Who Will Understand?"

I've felt the need to blog about this for a while and to just be vulnerable, but I never had the words. I didn't quite know how to put to voice my heart--all of the fears, pain, and hope co-mingling together to make a complicated mess. Who am I? The girl that sometimes I love and sometimes I hate...what makes me--me? Who will understand? I think there is a wounded part of all of us that seeks acceptance and love...or maybe we're just searching for fulfillment and in our silly way, we think it lies within ourselves.

At various times in my life, I have analzyed relationships and written down what I wanted or thought needed to happen within that relationship. With each person and different set of circumstances, the list modified--except in one area. I didn't, and desperately wanted to, feel valued. I was looking for something to give myself to. I was sure that there was some way I could be meaningful--I could devote everything to a cause...or a person. Then, I would have importance and I would be valued. My life would matter. I wanted to be irreplaceable to someone or something. But so often it seemed I was easily replaced or forgotten. My search continued...

It was subtle enough. I didn't consider myself one to put my identity in another or in a cause. I had a strong sense of "me." The core personality traits had always been there--I knew what I did/didn't like and would/wouldn't do. I was successful in what I did, but I only did what I was successful at and liked. Then one day, I felt stuck. I didn't like what I did. I didn't derive any value or meaning from it. I wasn't helping anyone. I didn't even feel free to change up my life to the point that I would be helping someone. I felt like I had mapped out a course and must follow it until completion--and then I could live again. Then, I would be free.

My perceived freedom was slavery. Devoting myself to another person would only be futile. Lately, God has been shaking things up in my life...showing me things about myself that I hadn't noticed or fully comprehended. Why did I want to be irreplaceable to someone? Why couldn't I be happy with just being in their life at all? Shouldn't I only want One to be irreplaceable to them? Did I want to be their "everything" in a wrong way? Perhaps it wasn't about what they needed, but about what I needed. I needed an anchor. God has been teaching me that I am who He says I am--and that this is in relation to Who He is. I am who He has made me. I have value because I am His. My value doesn't lie in what people think of me (which I often wished they saw something good in me), but in what He sees in me--He see His child. Holy. Righteous before God. One who can enter His presence boldly to ask Him anything. He sees me as someone who is strong in Him. Someone who can stand. Someone who can fight. Someone who is worth loving. Someone He never leaves--even temporarily. Someone He can never abandon. Someone He has always loved and will always love. Beautiful.

The Bible says that He knows my thoughts and judges them from afar. I can keep nothing from Him--and I have no reason to. He loves me despite my thoughts. The Bible says that He knows all the sins I have ever committed and will ever commit. He has separated my sin from me as far as the east is from the west. He loves me anyway. He will not reject me--I can tell Him anything and He will understand. Not only will He understand, but He will also guide, heal, and comfort me. I can be 100% me with Him. No pretending--only love--forever. This frees me. With this gift, I can love and serve others without staking my identity in that success or failure. I cannot imagine anything better. Thank You.

The Best AND Confusing

Sometimes life doesn't make sense to me. I know what road I walked down, but I seem confused about how I got here. The Holy Spirit was leading, but I didn't expect this valley, this time of suffering, this confusion, this twist in the road..... I'm so thankful that my Gracious Father lovingly accepts me along with my favorite question, "Why?"

Sometimes He graciously doesn't answer my question---yet...or maybe at all. It forces me to trust Him that He is sovereign and doesn't make mistakes. And to trust Him that my life--a mess when I try to control it--is exactly in the breakable, weak place it needs to be to accept His direction. I was recently thinking about how often people ask me "my" plans and "my" goals. I contemplate how old I am and what I have/haven't accomplished by this point in my life. I give value to these based solely on my personal view of them--what others consider a "great achievement," I consider nothing because I took no joy in it or because it seemed a matter of course to me. I contemplate what I wish I had accomplished. But sometimes I grow tired of this game...probably because it usually disappoints me. I get tired of living in the pressure of the world's standard. I weary trying to create my life and fulfill it only to discover that is not how it was intended to be. I wish to abandon all of "my" goals for His. To not say that I have all of these amazing feats that I must hold onto to prove to the world that I mean something, but just to rest in His love, His provision, His guidance.

What if His plan makes no sense to me? What if it is always right? What if it always works? What if it gets us to the perfect destination via a route I didn't know existed?

Did it make sense to Abraham that he would have a child in his old age? No. Did it make sense to Gideon that as the least of his tribe and family that he could lead? No. Did it make sense to Moses that he could be used to deliver his people? No.

"Yet, with respect to the promise of God, she did not waver in unbelief, but grew strong in faith as she gave glory to God fully convinced that He was able to do what He had promised."

This verse (with "he" in it) is talking about Abraham believing God that His word is good--even when in human terms things seem impossible. I want to grow in my faith, too...While I don't have a specific promise about a life event like Abraham, I do have universal promises that God has given that apply to me...

Jesus is the "author and finisher of MY faith" (Hebrews 12:2).

He will complete the good work that He has begun in me. (Phil. 1:6).

He will never leave me or forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5).

His yoke is easy and burden is light, there I will find rest for my soul (Matthew 11:28-30).

If I wait on the Lord, He will renew my strength, I will soar on wings like eagles, I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and faint not (Isa. 40:29-31).

Overwhelming Victory is Mine. Nothing can separate me from His love. (Romans 8:37-39).

God will supply all of my needs. (Phil. 4:19).

AND....

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." (Romans 8:27).

I'm especially thankful for that last promise. It shows that no matter what happens--whether it is something that happens to me or a mistake/sin/failure I make--that God has promised that He will work it together for my ultimate good. I can rest in this promise. I may not have all the answers...and I don't have to. Life may be confusing at times when I don't know or understand what God is doing, but that's okay...because I can trust Him and grow in my faith as I give glory to Him knowing that He is able to do what He has promised. Thank You for the good You are working in my life.

Are You Hiding From God?

God had met their needs. He had provided abundantly for them. The picture is of 2 trees. Tree #1, The Tree of Life (living by what God told them to do). A dividing line (God is Just. God is Holy. Holiness holds the line. It does not change when a sin is committed. You cannot "move" the line or "change" what is or isn't holy). Tree #2, The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. The choice that was made: instead of walking in faith--they chose wanting to be god.

"Man didn't need to eat of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil because he had an intimate relationship with God. We didn't need the ability to decipher what was okay to do or not do because God told mankind what to do as they walked in fellowship with Him. God gave us a choice of being dependent on Him. But mankind was to learn that there was a consequence to walking our own way--we died spiritually that day."--Kay Arthur

I can't begin to imagine the perfect peace that must've existed in The Garden of Eden. How much of our time is spent analyzing what is right or wrong? How often do we feel so confused or conflicted because we struggle with making the right decision or trying not to mess up? It would be amazing to not even have to engage in that thought process because you walked and talked with God all the time and He guided you before the trouble even arose. No death. No sin. No pain. No tears.

How did we get here--stuck on an earth that is corrupted with sin? Whatever does not equal Faith is sin. Faith is walking with God dependent on Him.

"Sin separates you from God. When man sinned, Holiness held the line. Grace (unmerited favor of God) is not license to sin. Grace does not move the line over so that we haven't done anything wrong. Instead, Grace reached over the line and grabs you as a sinner and pulls you back to God--not to bless the sinner in his sin, but to provide a way out of sin and a way to conquer sin. Grace is never licentiousness/moral anarchy. Grace does not give you the right to run the show. All sin is ultimately against God. He made you for His pleasure and His glory. As a Christian, you have the Holy Spirit. When you sin, it grieves the Holy Spirit."--Kay Arthur

This is so that you will know and respond to the sin in your life.

How often do we hide ourselves from God when we have sinned. We seclude ourselves on the "death" side. We turn inward to try to solve our problems instead of turning Upward. I am so thankful that God is Gracious--it is His character. Out of His great love He reached across the line and placed me on the side of Life.

--Thoughts after this week's Bible Study on the Grace of God

Worth the Extra Trip

Yesterday, I was praying God's Word about believing. "Jesus Christ said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe." (prayer based off of John 20:27). "Lord, I cannot see Your visible hands, but if I'm willing to really look, I can see the visible evidences of Your invisible hands. Help me to stop doubting and believe!"

I began to ponder what led to Jesus saying these words to Thomas. John 20 begins with the story of Mary Magdalene going to the tomb and finding the stone removed so she ran back and got Simon Peter and John. John outruns Peter, but stops at the edge of the tomb. Peter catches up and charges right on in. Verse 8 says that when John went in "he saw and believed." In verse 9, it reveals that they still did not understand from Scripture that Jesus had to rise from the dead. Jesus then has an encounter with Mary where he tells her to tell the other disciples that he is coming to see them. He shows up supernaturally when they are meeting in a room and shows them all--except Thomas--his hands and side.

When they told Thomas the good news, he demanded evidence--he wanted to see the hands and side of Jesus just like they had. He refused to believe. Jesus comes back a week later to show Thomas his hands and his side. I love that. He wanted Thomas to believe and He thought Thomas was worth the extra trip. Instead of feeling Jesus scars, "Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!" (John 20:28).

The story of Thomas made me think about the parable Jesus told in Luke 15:4 "Suppose on of you has 100 sheep and loses 1 of them. Does he not leave the 99 in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?"

Why yes, He does. I love it. God is not content to leave us straying or in unbelief. He thinks His children are always worth the extra trip.

Abba, Abba, Oh Abba

The other night, I was praying these words crying out to God over something when it suddenly hit me--You are talking to God, the Creator of the Universe in such a personal way. Whoa. Sometimes things in the Christian walk seem a given to the point that we forget to step back and bask in the awe of God. Did I really just cry out "Daddy, Daddy, Oh Daddy" to Him? Yes, yes, I did. :) I am overcome with all of the wonderful things He has done and is doing for me. I am overcome with WHO He is.

It is so easy to focus on the bad things in life and to focus on how I wish they were or how I'd have them be if I was in charge (more on this in a post to come about what I'm learning about "focus"), but then those moments arise when you realize how terribly incompetent you are on your own and how good He is. He only gives good gifts to His children. He turns all the bad things that have happened, are happening, and ever will happen to me into my good. He never lets me experience pain or suffering that He doesn't use to draw me closer to Him and to build my character to be more like His. In His arms, I find perfect rest, peace, comfort, love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness. There is none like Him. He has captured me with His love. I am blessed.

Never Lost My Praise

Some lessons can only be taught in times of sorrow because those are the only times that we have been humbled and quieted enough to listen and to truly cling to God. The last month has seemed a time of deep sorrow for me. It seems as though each time a new sense of hope arose, it was immediately destroyed. It wasn't in one area of my life, but in many areas of my life. I felt exhausted from fighting to keep my head up. I was tired. I felt like getting away from all people, all noisy things, all familiar things, all responsibilities, all sorrows--well really, all anything. I wasn't sure what I was going to do if/when I got away, and I secretly suspected that I would be no happier in the deadening silence of aloneness. I liked to think of it as a spiritual retreat to return mental sanity and end suffering, but I knew my problems, tiredness, and heartache wouldn't stay home. I languished on. I cried--a lot. Crying is not my normal resort and after weeks of almost daily crying, I am quite sick of it and exhausted. It felt like everywhere I turned people were suffering and hurting each other. Spiritual battles were being waged--and it didn't always seem as though satan had lost. In fact, it seemed like he was winning a lot. Evil around you leaves tons of reasons to ask "why." I often felt alone like there was no one to comfort me--everyone was too busy or some things I wasn't free to talk about to them anyway so they couldn't help me.

In all of this, I began crying out to God. My mom told me the other day that when the Potter is making a pot and the clay starts to shift, then He has to smoosh the pot flat and start over. I'm pretty sure I've been smooshed. It hurt. But somehow in the midst of this, I learned new lessons that even in the sunniest days on the beach with the best company and no cares, I could never have learned. I have to thank God that He cares enough about the final product that I will be that He is not content to let me develop into an ugly pot. ;) Because honestly, I don't want to be an ugly pot either. I know that character building and learning new lessons about Him is always best for me--and I do want God to give me His best. One of the lessons I learned from Him is that I am always to praise Him--even if I don't feel like it (I know I've said this one before back when I started blogging 2 years ago...so maybe this was just a chance to "practice" what I had learned). I found it both inspiring, hard, challenging, and super comforting to praise Him when I really felt like wallowing in my pain. When you praise God, you become even more aware of WHO He is--and that God is one that you can trust. Trusting Him because He is trustworthy comforts me and gives me hope in the future He has planned for me.

Another lesson He has been teaching me is to run to Him first and quickly. Satan loves to attack us and get us down. I love to run to my friends and family to get comfort, help, and a hug. But when they aren't there, I realize how often I run to them first--instead of God! He loves me more than they do, He has all of the answers, and He has the power to fix it! It is beyond silly to ever go to a human first. Plus, God has the ability to hold me--and that's what I ask Him to do. God can also protect me from satan, which is also what I ask Him to do. I fight satan, but when I feel weakest, I ask God to take this one for me. :) A major area of learning during this time of sorrow has been about spiritual warfare. I think a lot of the lessons I learned 2 years ago are getting "practice" time now. I am attempting to fight satan the first moment he begins to whisper a lie in my ear. Recently, I noticed that within hours of "having a bad day," I could identify at least 5 terrible lies, he was whispering to me. He often knows my weaknesses and what I've believed about myself for so long--so he whispered those.

My mind started to reel as each lie entered. "Was it true that I was a failure?" "Was it true that I wasn't valuable?" "Was it true that nothing good was going to happen after the hard times?" "Was I so horrible at learning lessons from God that I would have to experience the pain of learning them over and over again?" But then God graciously let me see that these things were not true--they were lies of the devil. I am a changed person. I have learned. I will continue to learn. God is doing great things for me--even if it is humbling me through pain to build my character to be more like His.

I love Him so much. This present suffering is temporary--my future is certain and I know WHO I will be spending it with. Heaven makes anything on earth "worth it."

Falling Apart

Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know You when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise

Now it all seems upside down

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
We’ve got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You

And it all seems upside down

‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

I don’t know how long this will last
I’m praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that
Has ever happened to me

My whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when
You will find me when I fall apart

--Josh Wilson's "Falling Apart"