"Who Will Understand?"

I've felt the need to blog about this for a while and to just be vulnerable, but I never had the words. I didn't quite know how to put to voice my heart--all of the fears, pain, and hope co-mingling together to make a complicated mess. Who am I? The girl that sometimes I love and sometimes I hate...what makes me--me? Who will understand? I think there is a wounded part of all of us that seeks acceptance and love...or maybe we're just searching for fulfillment and in our silly way, we think it lies within ourselves.

At various times in my life, I have analzyed relationships and written down what I wanted or thought needed to happen within that relationship. With each person and different set of circumstances, the list modified--except in one area. I didn't, and desperately wanted to, feel valued. I was looking for something to give myself to. I was sure that there was some way I could be meaningful--I could devote everything to a cause...or a person. Then, I would have importance and I would be valued. My life would matter. I wanted to be irreplaceable to someone or something. But so often it seemed I was easily replaced or forgotten. My search continued...

It was subtle enough. I didn't consider myself one to put my identity in another or in a cause. I had a strong sense of "me." The core personality traits had always been there--I knew what I did/didn't like and would/wouldn't do. I was successful in what I did, but I only did what I was successful at and liked. Then one day, I felt stuck. I didn't like what I did. I didn't derive any value or meaning from it. I wasn't helping anyone. I didn't even feel free to change up my life to the point that I would be helping someone. I felt like I had mapped out a course and must follow it until completion--and then I could live again. Then, I would be free.

My perceived freedom was slavery. Devoting myself to another person would only be futile. Lately, God has been shaking things up in my life...showing me things about myself that I hadn't noticed or fully comprehended. Why did I want to be irreplaceable to someone? Why couldn't I be happy with just being in their life at all? Shouldn't I only want One to be irreplaceable to them? Did I want to be their "everything" in a wrong way? Perhaps it wasn't about what they needed, but about what I needed. I needed an anchor. God has been teaching me that I am who He says I am--and that this is in relation to Who He is. I am who He has made me. I have value because I am His. My value doesn't lie in what people think of me (which I often wished they saw something good in me), but in what He sees in me--He see His child. Holy. Righteous before God. One who can enter His presence boldly to ask Him anything. He sees me as someone who is strong in Him. Someone who can stand. Someone who can fight. Someone who is worth loving. Someone He never leaves--even temporarily. Someone He can never abandon. Someone He has always loved and will always love. Beautiful.

The Bible says that He knows my thoughts and judges them from afar. I can keep nothing from Him--and I have no reason to. He loves me despite my thoughts. The Bible says that He knows all the sins I have ever committed and will ever commit. He has separated my sin from me as far as the east is from the west. He loves me anyway. He will not reject me--I can tell Him anything and He will understand. Not only will He understand, but He will also guide, heal, and comfort me. I can be 100% me with Him. No pretending--only love--forever. This frees me. With this gift, I can love and serve others without staking my identity in that success or failure. I cannot imagine anything better. Thank You.

The Best AND Confusing

Sometimes life doesn't make sense to me. I know what road I walked down, but I seem confused about how I got here. The Holy Spirit was leading, but I didn't expect this valley, this time of suffering, this confusion, this twist in the road..... I'm so thankful that my Gracious Father lovingly accepts me along with my favorite question, "Why?"

Sometimes He graciously doesn't answer my question---yet...or maybe at all. It forces me to trust Him that He is sovereign and doesn't make mistakes. And to trust Him that my life--a mess when I try to control it--is exactly in the breakable, weak place it needs to be to accept His direction. I was recently thinking about how often people ask me "my" plans and "my" goals. I contemplate how old I am and what I have/haven't accomplished by this point in my life. I give value to these based solely on my personal view of them--what others consider a "great achievement," I consider nothing because I took no joy in it or because it seemed a matter of course to me. I contemplate what I wish I had accomplished. But sometimes I grow tired of this game...probably because it usually disappoints me. I get tired of living in the pressure of the world's standard. I weary trying to create my life and fulfill it only to discover that is not how it was intended to be. I wish to abandon all of "my" goals for His. To not say that I have all of these amazing feats that I must hold onto to prove to the world that I mean something, but just to rest in His love, His provision, His guidance.

What if His plan makes no sense to me? What if it is always right? What if it always works? What if it gets us to the perfect destination via a route I didn't know existed?

Did it make sense to Abraham that he would have a child in his old age? No. Did it make sense to Gideon that as the least of his tribe and family that he could lead? No. Did it make sense to Moses that he could be used to deliver his people? No.

"Yet, with respect to the promise of God, she did not waver in unbelief, but grew strong in faith as she gave glory to God fully convinced that He was able to do what He had promised."

This verse (with "he" in it) is talking about Abraham believing God that His word is good--even when in human terms things seem impossible. I want to grow in my faith, too...While I don't have a specific promise about a life event like Abraham, I do have universal promises that God has given that apply to me...

Jesus is the "author and finisher of MY faith" (Hebrews 12:2).

He will complete the good work that He has begun in me. (Phil. 1:6).

He will never leave me or forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5).

His yoke is easy and burden is light, there I will find rest for my soul (Matthew 11:28-30).

If I wait on the Lord, He will renew my strength, I will soar on wings like eagles, I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and faint not (Isa. 40:29-31).

Overwhelming Victory is Mine. Nothing can separate me from His love. (Romans 8:37-39).

God will supply all of my needs. (Phil. 4:19).

AND....

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." (Romans 8:27).

I'm especially thankful for that last promise. It shows that no matter what happens--whether it is something that happens to me or a mistake/sin/failure I make--that God has promised that He will work it together for my ultimate good. I can rest in this promise. I may not have all the answers...and I don't have to. Life may be confusing at times when I don't know or understand what God is doing, but that's okay...because I can trust Him and grow in my faith as I give glory to Him knowing that He is able to do what He has promised. Thank You for the good You are working in my life.