Standing in Moonlight, but You're Black on the Inside

Not being able to look ahead to see where the path leads has caused me to look inward. It seems strange to think that fear could have permeated so much of my life without me even realizing it. Prior to becoming a Christian, I remember reading David’s Psalm 139: 23-24. “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” and thinking that David was crazy! I guess I hoped that God might have overlooked faults in me and if I didn’t ask him to take a second look, then maybe we could keep going just like we were…because in reality, I was content with my sin. I was okay with the way I was living—these sins didn’t bother me. The ones that don’t bother us are usually the hardest to change. But maybe there are others—ones that I’m not even aware of—that I’ve blinded myself to after years of living with them.  David’s prayer has always terrified me. But it has become apparent to me that I cannot grow closer to God unless I align my will with His. So this scary and painful prayer has become mine. 

Growing up, I believed I was a Christian--except for this nagging doubt that occasionally seized me. I always tried to pray it away or say a quick "forgive me now" prayer just in case, but somewhere in my soul I knew the truth. God and I were far apart. I remember driving to class one day when my car suddenly hydroplaned in a turn. In seconds, I was spinning into the other lane of oncoming traffic and into a huge ditch facing the opposite direction than I had been going. I wondered if God had spared me for another day--for a greater purpose, but I still wouldn't admit that we didn't have a relationship. It was as if pretending we had one would make it real enough. Everyone seemed to think I was anyway. I used to think it was hard to be good and that if you were good, then you were a Christian, but soon as I realized that it was just as easy to be good/pretend to be a Christian as it was to be a bad person. Sometimes I thought the gap between a "good" person and a "bad" one only was in their desires. I didn't want to do those things anyway--so I didn't. It wasn't because of a desire to glorify God--I was just pleasing myself. 

Around this time, I began reading "Transforming Grace: Living Confidently in God's Unfailing Love" by Jerry Bridges. I think this book had a lot to do with my realization of who I was--or more importantly--who I wasn't. The book talked about how as people we can recognize that our sin creates a huge chasm between us and God, but instead of turning to Jesus and the cross to "bridge the gap," we look around us for validation. It said that we can always find someone that we are better than. "I don't do this like she does, therefore, I am good, etc" So we try to bridge the gap with our own good works and each of us mistakenly believes that our works are "just good enough" to get us across. But in reality our good works are as filthy rags and we are just as far away as if we had never started. So one day, I realized that all my attempts had been futile and that my previous prayers had been insincere. While I had desired not to go to hell, I had never repented. And then one Sunday, my life changed forever. Soon after, I was baptized. I remember driving to the beach right after that filled with such joy--Jesus consumed all my thoughts. I had never felt that way before.